I tell all the doctors, nurses, techs, and midlevels I know to record anything odd they overhear while working in the ED. We see miraculous recoveries, devastating defeats, and people who put large objects in places they were never meant to go, so it's no surprise that things overheard in the ED are likely heard nowhere else.
Doctor: I have your results. No STDs.
Patient (into the phone): Woot! Woot! My coochie is clean!
Patient to a police officer: They're trying to kill me with their Fentanyl!
Police officer: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Patient: They gave me bad heroin!
Doctor: This country has PID. Political inflammatory disease.
X-ray tech: CAT scan. Na na na na na na na na CAT scan!
Doctor to PA: Do you normally send them home with a three-way (catheter)?
PA: Sometimes. Now if you could never ask me again about three ways with you.
Pharmacist: MRSA is like Kim Kardashian. It wants to be seen!
Patient: Let's go! I'll vomit in my shirt and put it back on!
Nurse: Wait! They have Ativan lotion?!
Doctor: It puts the lotion on the skin, or it gets the Haldol again.
Male patient to a female doctor and two female nurses: Can you imagine living your life without a penis?
Attending: Was he T-boned or was he the T-boner?
Resident: He was the bone receiver.
Elderly patient: Oh, my pain is an 11. Just keep giving me morphine and send me to heaven.
Resident: That man's leg smells like an old wet pretzel.
Patient: Oh, I've been turning tricks, but I use a condom, so I'm gonna prove to my sister that I ain't a dirty ho.
EMS: A group of crows is a murder; a group of cows is a herd. What do you call a group of drunk people?
Doctor: Hmm. A ferment? Maybe a tankard? A flagon?
PA: You have trichomonas.
Patient's friend: Giiiiirl, you got yourself the trich-a-no-no!
Nurse: Ah, yes, the uvula, the chandelier of the mouth.
Doctor: Huh, we saw exactly 20 patients today.
Scribe: Wow, we rolled a natural 20. That's a critical hit.
Doctor: That's crazy. No shortness of breath, no distress, but a steady pulse ox of 77%.
Respiratory: Yeah, very weird. Clearly, that guy is an anaerobe.
EMS: The patient is here for a possible withdrawal.
Doctor (holds up an open 40-ounce beer in the patient's wheelchair): Well, that might be unlikely.
Patient: I've never had sex with a Martian!
Patient: I'd like to be checked for diabetes and obesity.
Doctor: Um, I can check a sugar, but the other test is positive.
Angry psychotic patient storms out after receiving food tray (shouting): I need to pontificate, and thank you all for the acquisition of my culinary feast! (Smiles, quietly turns around, and goes back to room.)
Nurse: Please, sir, put your clothes back on.
Nurse: Because you are naked?
Patient (surprised): Huh. OK.
Nurse: I feel like I have been OHS all day.
Nurse: A waitress.
Doctor: Man, that night out drinking was a rough one for him. He had a GCS of 2.
Resident: But you just said a table has a GCS of 3.
Doctor: Yeah, he drank so much he was under the table.
Nurse to doctor: Guys are just gross.
Doctor: Guys are gross.
Nurse: That's why I'm a lesbian.
Patient (screaming): Someone get me a blanket!
Nurse: What's the magic word?
Patient (pausing and thinking): Is it blanket?
Doctor: I'm a firm believer that everyone has a superpower. Me, I can poop fast.
Resident: Huh, well I can sleep for 14 hours straight.
Doctor: Wow, do you get powers after that?
Resident: I do wake up feeling terrible.
Scribe: You done did some doctoring.
Doctor: I did done do some doctoring!
Tech: I have sassy teenagers. They're sassholes.
Patient: I'm not here to hear any whining. Not even from myself!
Patient: I thought I'd just have a few nips of my vodka to help me stand better.
Pharmacist: So the p in pneumonia is silent. What if the p in pharmacist was also silent? I'd be the harmacist!
Dr. Brandtis an emergency physician with the Grand River Emergency Medical Group in Grand Rapids, MI. He was the winner of the 2008 Writer's Digest Short Short Story Writing Competition (http://bit.ly/1kIBaOf). Read his blog and other articles athttp://brandtwriting.com, follow him on Twitter @brandtwriting, and read his past columns athttp://bit.ly/EMN-BrandtsRants.