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Brandt's Rants

Famous Quotes from the ED 3.0

Brandt, Robert, MD

doi: 10.1097/01.EEM.0000552797.10692.1a
Brandt's Rants

Dr. Brandtis an emergency physician with the Grand River Emergency Medical Group in Grand Rapids, MI. He was the winner of the 2008 Writer's Digest Short Short Story Writing Competition (http://bit.ly/1kIBaOf). Read his blog and other articles athttp://brandtwriting.com, follow him on Twitter @brandtwriting, and read his past columns athttp://bit.ly/EMN-BrandtsRants.

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Every year I ask emergency physicians from all over to give me interesting quotes they have overheard in their emergency departments. Our world has interesting and crazy interactions seen in few other places, where odd statements are the norm and bizarre behavior seems ordinary. Enjoy.

Patient: I'm having an allergic reaction.

Doctor: What are you allergic to?

Patient: Pain.

Doctor: Pain?

Patient: Yes. Normally, they give me Dilaudid for my allergy.

Doctor: I'm not going to be able to cure your allergy today.

Patient: Facebook says I'm a prophetic visionary sent here to change the world.

Doctor: OK.

Patient: You can't say that I don't look like a resurrected hipster king, you mental midget!

Patient: I've been in prison. I've slept with and beat up guys bigger than you.

Patient: Let me give you some advice; I have five priorities: One, set the trap; two, make your hair look real good; three, navigation; four, turn the volume up; five, wipe your butt real good.

Patient: I have purple vaginal discharge.

Doctor: Huh. Have you put anything in there?

Patient: Well, I had normal discharge, but a friend told me to use K-Y Jelly for it, but I didn't have K-Y Jelly, so instead I used grape Smucker's.

Tech: I'm using these gloves left out. They looked clean.

Scribe: Right, yeah, because that's how gloves work in a hospital.

Doctor: She sounds like a coyote, or like a group of teenagers having a pool party. Same difference.

PA working in triage: I think triage sucks the brains out of people. Like I ask people how tall they are, and they just stare off, confused. How do they not know their height?

Patient's friend: She drinks apple cider vinegar and tea? Is her vagina out of whack?

PA: My patient is positive for a AAA. Well, AAA battery stuck inside, that is.

Patient: I was chewing on a toothpick, and then I was holding it, but it felt like it was lodged in my throat.

Doctor: But you were holding it.

Patient: Yeah, but I'm worried it might be lodged in my throat.

Doctor: But, to be clear here, you are still holding that toothpick?

Patient: Yes.

NP: I want to rip my eyeballs out with a dull fork that represents her knowledge.

Nurse: Any day you wake up in a puddle of your own breast milk, it's not a good time.

Me: Thank you.

Tech: Why are you saying thank you? I just called you a maniacal clown and a tyrant!

Me: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Patient: I've got to warn you; I've been listening to Celine Dion.

Nurse: They were both dripping the same green slime from their privates.

Scribe: Wow, relationship goals.

Nurse: I've never had to specify how to lie on the stretcher. (The patient almost fell off by laying sideways.)

Patient: Why are my feet hurting so bad!?

Nurse: Why are your shoes on the wrong feet?

Patient: I was too drunk to know which was which.

Nurse: Aha!

(Overheard shouting): OMG! I have wood chips in my coochie!

Me: Hi, how can I help you?

Patient: Who the **** are you!

Me: I'm your doctor.

Patient: Why are you so ****ing nice?

Patient: I think I cut my rectum with scissors.

Doctor: What? How!?

Patient: Well, that deep part in my eye is hurting after using scissors.

Doctor: Oh, the retina! Very different.

Nurse: My patient thinks you can get trichomonas from a toilet seat.

Doctor: You can, if toilet seat is the name of your girlfriend's privates.

If you hear something interesting, hilarious, or just plain unlike what you might hear anywhere else in the world, please send it to me for next year's quotes compilation at emn@lww.com.

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