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Brandt's Rants: Jerk Fairies of the ED, Mayhem in the Wakes

Brandt, Robert MD

doi: 10.1097/01.EEM.0000488829.48436.78
Brandt's Rants

Dr. Brandtis an emergency physician with the Grand River Emergency Medical Group in Grand Rapids, MI. He was the winner of 2008 Writer's Digest Short Short Story Writing Competition (http://bit.ly/1kIBaOf). Read his blog and other articles at http://brandtwriting.com, follow him on Twitter at @brandtwriting, and read his past columns athttp://emn.online/BrandtsRantsEMN.

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As a published fantasy novel author, I take it upon myself to educate the public about misconceptions about mythological creatures. Most people imagine Tinkerbell zipping around with a big smile, using her magic to allow Peter Pan to fly, when they think about fairies. Tink is nice, right? Of course, she is!

A few other nice fairies exist as well. From ages 3 to 9, a magical red-suit-wearing fairy brings presents. Yeah, Santa definitely qualifies as one of the good ones. The other classic fairy also qualifies. She appears ages 4 to 11. Despite her massive oral fetish, stealing teeth and replacing them with cold, hard cash is a win for any kid.

So some fairies are great, but on the whole, most fairies are giant (uh, I mean tiny) jerks!

Yup. Jerks.

Let me mention just a few of the jerk fairies.

Modern society does not like to talk about them, but magical creatures have tormented humans for centuries. They are out there and have adapted to the times; you just never think about them.

You surely know Footloose the Sock Fairy. She appears once a person begins doing his laundry. She sneaks into dryers and steals socks. That's it. No cash exchanged; Footloose is pretty much just a thief.

When you become a parent, Ouch-O the Lego Fairy visits your house. She leaves Legos on the floor when the lights go out and you head barefooted up to bed. Then you walk on a pointy pain-cube and scream while Ouch-O laughs and laughs.

Then there is Tardy the Wallet Fairy. She hides your wallet in random places in your house, especially when you are already running late. The reason I tell you all this is that I want to talk about some of the jerkiest of the jerk fairies. They pertain mainly to medicine. You just never knew that you knew them.

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Lydia the Chlamydia Fairy

You have likely heard of TooDoods the Bullet Fairy. This is not a nice fairy. He specifically looks for individuals minding their own business. Then he shoots them. This fairy strikes again and again all over the country and has yet to be apprehended despite being routinely identified by name.

Not all jerk fairies have this level of lethality. Anyone working for a week in the ED knows about Oo-Tee the E. coli Fairy. Oo-Tee is tremendously concerned about preserving one of the Earth's smallest creatures, and he has been wildly successful. Oo-Tee searches for safe housing for his microscopic friends. Their ideal dwelling is a little unusual: 80-year-old human bladders with a preference for the ladies. He tinkles through the window in the middle of the night in a stained brown hemp shirt. He effervesces a mixture of earthiness, patchouli, and rotten fish. He randomly waves his fetid, foul-smelling wand at the groin of an unsuspecting octogenarian and grunts his magic words.

Oo-Tee: “Crotchety Splotchety!”

Nursing home nurse: “Did someone just say something?”

Oo-Tee: “Multiply, my children. Oo-Tee away!”

The follow morning, good ol' Gram-Gram has a temperature, her blouse is on backwards, and she is cackling about Eisenhower.

Oh, sure, I tell families statistics about older people being more prone to having bacteriuria. I make up some lame excuses about how these things can just happen, but I know how it really happens. Darn you, Oo-Tee!

Countless other fairies cause problems. I almost feel sorry for some of them. Lydia the Chlamydia Fairy has not had a night off in forever. Bill Lijerant the Drunky Fairy hits everyone who has had too much to drink with his wand that makes gravity much stronger. Sir Rumen the Otitis Fairy has been pooping in kid's ears for years; he lost his wand a century ago.

The next time you start to get frustrated at work, take a quick look around the department and maybe you will catch a glimpse of one of those jerk fairies. You rarely get to see them, but when you turn 80, say hi to Oo-Tee for me.

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